Monday, 15 July 2013

Keep Your Eyes Open

So, for some reason, today Rebecca said "Eyes open" in the bus today and Taylor Swift's Eyes Open song got stuck in my head. .... It's still stuck.

Everybody's waiting, for you to breakdown 
Everybody's watching, to see the fallout 
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping 
Keep your e-eyes open 
Keep your e-eyes open

I feel like this accurately depicts my life right now. No, not right now. But constantly. Always. I don't know when, but life has suddenly morphed into a ever changing battle for me. It's do or die, it's kill and survive. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but ever since the age of 12, I've always had recurring dreams of being in a Hunger Games style arena, where I have to kill other people in the sake of my survival. Obviously, it's not exactly like Hunger Games, but the concept is there. Sometimes the "arena" is just in a small flat with other occupants. Sometimes the "arena" is a huge building... or across train tracks. It can be anywhere. But it is always filled with competitors, and I'm always dead frightened in the dream.

I always think I'll die first in the dream - yes, I have THAT little faith in myself. But usually, I always end up killing someone else first, and I can feel my knife going through them as I stab them in the gut. It's always done out of pure accident, so I never mean to kill them (and I don't want to kill them) but my survival instincts just... I don't know. Something just happens and I don't control my hands.

Sometimes the dreams end before I die. Sometimes even before the dream ends, I'm dead. I lie down on the ground and watch others as I bleed to death. I know, scary, right? But I got used to it over the years.

Sometimes I'm the only one in the "arena". Sometimes I can be the only one at home, trying to fight off a huge monster on my own. But there will always be a personal demon after me, something that will target for me. And I will have to kill it on my own.

At first, when I first started having these dreams, I was too afraid to do anything. Often than not, I just lay there to die or I just ran (which happened more frequently). Over the years, I got used to it. I started standing up for myself in my dreams. I started fighting back, I started yelling at my personal demons, and I started protecting myself. 

I don't know if this signifies any change in real life or not. And maybe now that I think about it - yeah. I'm more protective of my heart. I'm growing up. And I will not be afraid to be unkind, if you use my kindness.

Back on topic. Eyes Open - I actually talked about my dreams to a counsellor before, and she was like, "Have you ever thought it was because you started getting the pressure and stress of studying from then on?" Maybe, but I doubt it was academic related. I find the cause is more personal... more close to the heart.

I feel like that in Mass Communications now. This is the school where they weed out the best of the best who are good in this field and everyone comes together to study the same things... and fight for the same GPA. Lately, I've been made to feel like... nothing, to put it. I'm nothing special. Back in secondary school, I always found it easier to stand out. I was good at the things I did, and I always won awards for those things. Now I'm fighting with people of my own level to win those awards. And they seem to be doing all the right things to get it. Now I'm just average. Now I'm just like all the others.

I feel like I always have to keep my eyes open. I feel like I have to be ready, on my feet, for everything that comes my way. I have to be greedy. I have to stand up for myself alot. I have to always protect and shield myself, because everyone else is waiting. For me to fall. For someone else to fall. And they are waiting for an opportunity to trample over you... They will not let a chance go away.

I have to keep my eyes open. I have to be on my guard. These are my friends... But when we grow up, we're all going to be fighting for the same career field. There's not enough. I have to be better than them. I have to be more than enough.

When can I start to feel special and unique again?

I don't want to just be a rat trapped in this dead rat chase. I don't want to be stuck in a cycle forever. I want to be back to the good old times where I seemed so perfect in everything. I want to be the Sally I know again. I have to start giving my all more. I have to stop getting so complacent. I have to start being the person I'd always know myself to be... I have to start being the person I want to be.

On a side note, I just received a letter from my secondary school today.

I got invited back to my secondary school for Thanksgiving ceremony. That's when they give out awards to all the top scholars last year.

I forgot that I topped Media Studies last year. This came as a pleasant surprise... My dad saw that I had received an envelope from my secondary school and I think he freaked out a little hahaha. No dad, they're not sending letters to complain about me. I won something!

In my old blog, I remember talking about how me and Cassandra were having our break during Additional Mathematics in school one day, and we just passed by the scholars name list outside the staff room. We were like, oh, we wonder how it'd feel to have our names on that list. Then suddenly, a P.E teacher came out, Mrs Tseng, and she asked us if our names were on the list. We laughed nervously and said no. She then smiled and said to us, "It's okay! No worries, you guys can get another chance this year. Just work hard and next year you'll see your names on it!" We laughed it off and thanked her before rushing off. Obviously we didn't think it would happen.

But now my name is on that list. And it's so strange, to think that last year, I had just been looking at that exact same name list with Cassandra. We were just standing, laughing, looking at it. Wondering how it would feel with our names on it. And now, right at this moment, other students are probably in my same position, standing and looking at the name list.

And they're going to be looking at my name there. And they're going to wish they'd have the exact same chance to win something.

Talking about this makes me so teary lol. Sometimes I can't believe I've come so far. In secondary school, I never thought I would amount to anything. I was good at things and I won stuff but I never thought I was good enough for anything. And it's funny how sometimes life works in mysterious ways and gives you what you want, a year later. It takes time.... but they give it to you eventually. You just have to work hard for it. You're okay. I'm okay. I'm perfect. I just have to wait, work hard. Sometimes things take a longer period of time to amount to anything. And I took a year, but it was okay. It went okay.

Sometimes I have to stop discrediting myself so much. I got good grades for my O Levels and I landed myself a spot in my dream course - the course I've been dreaming about for the past 2 years. I worked hard for this, with only one dream in mind. I know what I want to do in life. I'm better than most people in that - I know my goals and I already have a plan set out for me. I have to go to New York eventually, and I have to be the journalist I always wanted to be.

I'm not just someone that's standing by that's never going to amount to anything.

I'm something.

The tricky thing
Is yesterday we were just children
Playing soldiers, just pretending
Dreaming dreams with happy endings
In backyards
Winning battles with our wooden swords
But now we've stepped into a cruel world
Where everybody stands and
Keeps score

Today, me and my IS group mates finally managed to complete 3/4 of our IS group documentary!!! So happy, when we've delayed this for weeks. This is me with the stickgirl Charissa made for me, yay! I'm wearing a bow.

It was nice ranting all of this out. Now I need to study my Social Psychology. And I'm going to do it well!

Till next time...

Keep your eyes open xx

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Letting go

Just today I fought with one of the few important people in my life.

I'm not really sure if she's important anymore, or if it's because we've been through so many things together that I just can't let go anymore. I can't bear to let go of her, our memories, our happy moments, our sad moments, our disjoint heart. We've been through so many things together that sometimes I don't even believe it; and I feel myself forgetting, slowly, slowly, bit by bit, every single thing we've done together. I can remember recent ones but they're all in bits and pieces, and they're all so choppy it's hard to piece them altogether to form a continuous timeline. I can remember the first time we talked and I can remember the first time we fought. I can remember the first time I cried and I can remember the first time I told her to die. I can remember many of our first's, but I don't even know if she remembers any.

We always fight but we never let go. I guess some relationships just thrive on conflict; just like how ours do. I have related so many songs to her and she used to be the only thing that gave me a reason to wake up in the morning for.

Lately, however, we've been drifting apart and I find myself too busy to entertain thoughts of her anymore. Either that, or I'm too heartbroken to. She's getting too busy for me, too.

Which leads me to the point:

When do you know when to let go? How do you know when to let go? What if you can't let go? Even if you verbally say you can?

I think I can leave her, but I probably will never forget about her. She's precious and our memories are precious and everything is precious thorough and thorough. And despite all of her shortcomings, she's a good, beautiful person underneath everything.

And as much as I threaten to break and cut her off and as much as I say I hate her, I probably will never. We've since resolved our fight today but I feel like it's not going to be the last fight we'll have. We'll have many more and slowly, slowly, I'll lose the will to gradually fight for this anymore.

We're all growing up and we're all maturing slowly, slowly, into people we'll eventually be. She was a crucial part of my growing up and she helped me understand many things.

I reflect as much into her as much as she reflects into me.

But does she know this?


Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Bleached my hair

A few days ago I bleached my hair!!! (Yes I did it myself.)

Honestly I thought it wasn't going to turn out well because firstly, it was my first time dyeing my hair on my home using a home bleach kit and secondly, I always suck at these things hahaha.

BUT. IT TURNED OUT PRETTY WELL. I missed out some parts of my roots but it's okay, I think I did a pretty good job for a first timer anyway.

Here are some pictures of my hair!!!! I can't stop camwhoring it out. I love being blonde so much ;~; I'm never going back to red. lol. NEVER. (for now.)

These pictures are from today! 

Me and Louie making funny faces.

My OOTD in Frederick's bathroom hahaha.

Top: Barbie, Uniqlo
Skirt: Shibuya 109
My shoes!!! I got them from MARUI ONE in Shinjuku :D Love them <3

So, today I received many compliments on my blonde hair hahaha. The nice guy friend commented again and said he liked my hair. EEeeeeee!!! ^___^ Lol and Frederick (my other guy friend) said I looked like some bimbo cheerleader and he wanted to give me some pom-poms hahaha. Rebecca said I'm Barbie today ehehehe.

I was buying drinks at the drink stall and asked politely for ice milo. The auntie at the stall imitated my voice in a super act-cute manner and laughed at me T___T And said I looked just like a doll.

Today I was also able to exchange more than a few sentences with Frederick's friend hahaha. So weird, considering I don't usually talk to him. But it felt nice to be able to know my friend's friend.

ALSO. Highlight of the day: It was seeing this guy I liked at the bus stop hahaha. He's my friend (Niko)'s SC and I so happened to be with Niko, so he walked over and said hi. AND IT WAS SO AWKWARD BUT HE IS /SO/ CUTE OMG. Hahaha I find too many guys cute. But yeah, he was the first person I really liked around here in school (though I've gotten over that crush already) I'm too busy for these stuff. Lol. Totally not cut out.

He keeps asking about me lately though!!!! Like Niko tells me that he always asks her to tell him if I talk about him to her. And he wonders if I still like him or not. Lmao. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up hahaha but he's so cute. AND WHY IS HE SO CURIOUS ABOUT ME SUDDENLY. Whyyyyyyy. Hmmm. Anyway, I'm just tossing these evil thoughts aside. I don't have so much time to get my hopes up and have them get broken again lol.

My projects just keep piling up and up and my schoolwork is never ending. I really hope I get to do everything well. I just feel like I'm not giving my all enough into everything I'm doing and I'm just.. getting by. I hate feeling this way.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Humiliating experiences.

So, yesterday, I went out for dinner with Hannah at Nex after class and we talked about a lot of crap hahaha. But most importantly, Hannah told me a few funny moments in her life so far. Since we're in different courses/schools now, it's a bit harder to keep in touch, but we still see each other at least once a week anyway, every wednesday during Acapella practice. So she told me about her (non existent) love life, we talked about how guys are generally jerks (of course there are also the nice ones) and then she told me how she was telling her father how she only attracted the weird guys.

Hannah: Daddy, I only attract all the weird guys!
Hannah's Father: No, Hannah, you attract ALL guys!

I LAUGHED SO HARD HAHAHAHA firstly, you guys should know that Hannah's father is super holy and fatherly and very sweet and doting hahaha. He's super optimistic, especially about Hannah, and I can just imagine Hannah face palming as she got that reply from her dad. HAHAAHAHAHA.

Another experience. We somehow went on to talk about tuition groups and centres (considering we sat right outside a tuition centre to hobo and eat and talk) and Hannah was like, "I've never been to tuition groups like these. Except for once. That was in primary one." And then she went on to say, "That was the most humiliating experience of my life."

So, guess what happened?

Apparently, Hannah went to a math tuition group just below her flat void deck for some tuition classes. She got humiliated right on the first lesson. The teacher asked her to answer some math fraction question on the board, and it was presumably a quite easy one, but Hannah couldn't answer it. Apparently the rest of the kids in the tuition group were all really smart and top students from top schools, and they joined the tuition for the sake of being kiasu (afraid to lose mentality) and not because they were bad. On the other hand, Hannah really needed the tuition and was bad at math. So what happened? Hannah couldn't answer the question on the board, and the teacher was like, "Hannah! Such an easy question and you can't even answer it? Are you serious? Blablablabla more humiliating words"

That's okay, you know. But what's even more comical is that, at the end of the lesson, when the teacher gave out homework to all of them, the teacher told Hannah, "Hannah, are you sure you can do this homework?" And the rest of the students in class chirped in unison, "No, she can't!"


HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA I'M REALLY SORRY BUT I LAUGHED OUT LOUD SO HARD AT THAT. CAN YOU IMAGINE Hannah's face. It must be priceless. Like "What the fuck did I just sign up for?!?!?!? I came here to learn and not be humiliated!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hahaha and to add on to it, Hannah said that she was a poor small little girl with nerdy glasses on and she already felt bad about her appearance, and now they were making her feel bad about math too. Overall, the worst humiliation of her life. In the end she went home and never went for that tuition group again.

She says the tuition teacher got his payback, though. Not long after she stopped going for lessons, the tuition centre closed down due to lack of students. The tuition teacher was the only teacher there, the only driver, the cashier etc all in one. So, basically, he couldn't fund himself. So funny hahahaha

I was like, "Oh, Hannah, now I know why you act the way you are now" HAHAAHAHAH I meant it as a joke though. Hannah's like, "I got traumatised for life! Can you imagine how young I was only then?"

Poor Hannah.

Well, as for me, what is my most humiliating experience in life so far? ..... I can't think of any as bad as that. I mean, I probably had many humiliating experiences, I probably just tossed it to the back of my brain to never be remembered again lol. Who wants to remember things like that anyway?

I don't think I ever got traumatised, though. Or maybe I'm already traumatised to the point that I can't even remember any anymore. Hahaha.

(As I'm typing this, I'm waiting for the bleach to settle into my hair. I'm going to wash it off in 10 minutes!!! Can't wait.)